JOKES
Why not? You deserve a break!
Greetings from Arnie, your happy host. That’s right, let’s have a chuckle!
Conspiracy believers are regular folk too, you know. We simply know things that the majority of people don’t know, innocently, or resist knowing.
We’re not saddo’s – we like a good laugh like anyone would.
We will share some favorites, but first I have a few points to make. You can easily skip down the page to the jokes if you’re not in the mood.
Conspiracy believers are not negative people, they are skeptical. They are not angry by disposition; they are selectively angry at outrageous behaviors in the public sphere. Foremost, they are angry on behalf of the innocent and the unaware. Who else will tenaciously lobby on behalf of the severely autistic child poisoned out of all normalcy, for life? Who else will tenaciously lobby on behalf of the small business owner who was financially ruined by idiotic pretend laws wielded by self-satisfied government morons?
HAPPY THOUGHTS … NOT
The parasitic cabal rely on the general good nature of normal people to facilitate their predations. They rely on forgiveness and “making a fresh start” and a “let’s be positive” outlook.
If your fish tank is contaminated with a bacterial bloom, you can’t fix it by adding Happy Water. You need to remove the bacteria.
We’ve all seen cowboy movies, yes? The stagecoach arrived at the next town undisturbed by virtue of the man “riding shotgun” and not by the passengers singing “Oh! Susanna” and smiling toward the horizon.
This is all so much easier to talk about since the $camdemic. Anyone who, by this present time, doesn’t realize the COVIDEXCUSEFORFASCISMCRIME had some serious-as-hell hidden agendas is basically a dumbass.
About 2-1/2 years after the lockdowns started, Atlantic magazine published an editorial promoting the idea of an amnesty for those decision makers who, as it turned out, made monumentally bad decisions because, you know, it was all so weird.
My fifth post ever (January 2023) argued against this plea for forgiveness, citing legal precedents.
Also, I have a file of 13 essays (totaling 15,000 words) describing why this should not happen, and a PDF of those writings will appear at the end of this non-funny section of this post.
Here is an excerpt from one of them:
The thrust of the dishonest Atlantic piece is pure lies: “We didn’t know” what we didn’t know at the time.
…
Okay, but here is what you did know on day one…
You did know… The elderly were most at risk, and yet you still flooded nursing homes with infected COVID patients and then aided and abetted the cover up.
You did know… The risk of catching the China Flu was the same in a big box store or a small business. You still closed and bankrupted small businesses.
You did know… Everyday American had to watch their loved ones buried via Zoom, and then you attended the funeral for John Lewis.
You did know… The risk to children was minimal, and you still closed schools and practiced the cruelty of forcing crying and confused toddlers into masks.
You did know… People illegally traveling to America were as capable of spreading infection as those legally entering America. Yet, you still refused to stop illegal immigration.
…
You did know… You declared liquor stores “necessary” while locking Churches and Synagogues.
…
You did know… There was zero proof the vaccine stopped the spread of infection or prevented anyone from becoming infected. Yet you lied and said it did to justify firing, fining, ridiculing, harassing, dehumanizing, bullying, and discriminating.
…
No.
There will be no amnesty before there is accountability for the savages who forced our loved ones to die alone.
There will be no forgiveness before there’s a reckoning for the mercenary liars who abused our elderly and children.
There will be no moving on before there’s justice for those who were bankrupted, fined, jailed, mourned alone, forced into lonely despair, and stripped of youth’s magic and irreplaceable moments.
Most of all, there will be no reprieve because you are not sorry; because given the opportunity, you will do it all over again; because you are vicious, heartless, mercenary, politically-driven bullies only asking for amnesty so you can catch us off guard the next time.
**John Nolte, Breitbart (link)
Alex Berenson wrote a 464 page book, Pandemia, for which the 15-page Introduction is still available online (link). Alex is controlled opposition and was tasked with disseminating “reckless” disinformation about Covid within the conservative camp.
Here are some excerpts from that Introduction, each followed by a comment from yours truly:
This is the true story of how media hysteria, political partisanship, overreliance on unproven technology, and scientific illiteracy brought the United States and the world to the brink of breakdown.
No, it was media collusion, political coordination, purposely useless and purposely deadly technology, and science-themed gaslighting.
Of how a public health emergency became big business overnight, as governments spent trillions of dollars to fight the coronavirus ─ and unnecessary lockdowns destroyed small businesses, hugely enriched giant corporations, and forced people off paid employment onto government checks.
It was not an emergency ─ it was a gigantic criminal psyop, and raid on the public treasury.
All in response to a virus much less dangerous than the Spanish flu, much less Ebola.
Well-played, Alex. It was actually less dangerous than the annual flu, let alone the following two scare-monger ailments.
Meanwhile, the models that had predicted apocalyptic outcomes proved wrong. Aside from a few bad days in New York City in March and April 2020, American hospitals were never close to being overrun. In fact, they were so empty in the spring of 2020 that many laid off workers. Even in New York, the field hospitals and medical ships went largely unused.
But no one seemed to notice, much less care.
Many noticed; and cared deeply. They were chopped off at the knees by the complicit media and State medical boards. The hospitals were bribed with billions in taxpayer dollars to remain silent.
Instead, the Times, CNN, and the rest fixated on a single number, the count of Americans who had (reportedly) died from the coronavirus. … They never put the figure in context. They never explained that our methods for recording Covid-linked deaths were likely producing overcounts.
The overcounts were central to the strategy. Anyone who died “with” Covid died “of” Covid. And the tests used were largely false-positive due to dishonest lab procedures. This was the “casedemic” which pumped the numbers into the stratosphere.
Inevitably, they made mistakes, as when the Times called the murder of a twenty-seven-year-old Iowa man a Covid death.
No mistakes were made. This was pure evil running on all 12 cylinders.
Reporters are crucial watchdogs against government mistakes and overreach.
Reporters? Crucial? Really?
The social media companies worked with organizations such as the World Health Organization to become quasi-governmental censors. In suppressing honest debate and dissent, they set a dangerous precedent—and fed the rise of wilder conspiracy theories.
Well, the wilder the crime, the wilder will be the description thereof.
This is the true story of the pandemia: one part pandemic, five parts hysteria.
There was no pandemic. Any hysteria was scientifically induced by the conspirators. Your essay is one part lies and five parts bullshit.
<>
Let me give you two more hints at what I mean.
There’s an old Russian proverb, “When salt is needed, sugar won’t do.”
Or recall the scene in Godfather II where Michael Corleone says to his adopted brother Hagen, “I don’t feel I have to wipe everybody out, Tom. Just my enemies.”
Yes, and my enemies are the LIARS who inhabit the pages of LIAR$$WORLD.
Subscribing to LIAR$$WORLD is free, hoping that you will pay-subscribe to other Substackers who have more expenses and post more often.
The first two are from a 1962 Reader’s Digest collection of jokes. The rest are simply from the wisecrack ether which surrounds our fair planet. Enjoy!
Comedian Joe E. Lewis was thanking a friend for a racing tip:
“You said it was a great horse, and it was. It took 11 other horses to beat that horse!”
A gentle Quaker, hearing a strange noise in his house one night, got up and discovered a burglar busy at work. So, he went and got his gun, then came back and stood quietly in the doorway.
“Friend,” he said, “I would do thee no harm for the world, but thee standest where I am about to shoot.”
An apparently drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed him, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, Sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The Cowboy just groaned but didn’t even budge. The usher became impatient and insistent: “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment, he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without success. He just lay there in a dazed stupor.
Finally they summoned the police. A Texas Ranger arrived, walked up to the cowboy and said: “Alright, buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the Cowboy moaned. “Where ya all from, Sam?” asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, a grim expression, and without moving a muscle, Sam said, “The balcony.”
A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had “disappeared”. The somewhat irate spouse called her husband’s cell phone and demanded: “Where ARE you??? ”
Her husband responds, “Darling, do you remember that jewelry shop where you saw that diamond necklace that you totally fell in love with, and remember how I told you I didn’t have much money at the time but said, ‘Baby, it’ll be yours one day’?”
Wife, with a smile in her voice, blushing: “Yes I remember that, my love.”
Husband: “Well, I’m in the pub next to that place.”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
**Jules Renard
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?” The blonde quickly responded, “How about $50?” The man agreed and told her the green paint and everything she needed was in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?” He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it? Of course, she does.”
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb-blonde jokes.”
A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asked. “Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats ─ no extra charge.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
“And by the way,” the blonde added ... “it’s not a Porch ─ it’s a Mercedes!
LENTEN HUMOR
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry and soon visits his new pub and orders three beers at once.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens a third time then the man leaves.
A week later the man does the same thing, and for a few more weeks.
Finally, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks are wondering why you always order three beers?”
‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”
Everyone loved the story, and he became a minor celebrity.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender poured them with a heavy heart, not commenting. Sure enough, the man orders two, twice more.
The next week, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother … you know … the two beers and all...”
The man slowly grows a smile, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. I went to the biggest of the bunch and smacked him in his face, ripped out his nose ring, and kicked his bike over. Then I yelled, ‘Now, back off, or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!’”
St. Peter was impressed. He leafed through the great book he held. “And when did this happen?”
“Just a few minutes ago.”
Inner Peace:
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can be understanding when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can sleep without the aid of sleep aids,
Then you are probably ......... the family dog!
A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company’s Quality Assurance Manager.
The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum:
1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplicative, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.
3. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from a half hour to about ten minutes.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given proper attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high-tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him in private and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these in order if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits’ end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.
The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press ─ and Wall Street ─ responded positively, sales began to pick up, and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a dip in sales, combined with some production problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO opened the second envelope.
The message read, “Reorganize.”
This he did, and the company soon rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message began, “Prepare three envelopes ...”
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely. “The front row, please,” she answered.
“You probably don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor could see if you’re dozing off.”
“Do you know who I am?” the woman inquired. “No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked. “No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
A guy is driving around the backwoods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of an old farmhouse: “Talking Dog For Sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees an average size Border Collie sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep” the Collie replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “So, what’s your story?”
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I contacted the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running ... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars” the owner says. “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He’s never been out of the yard.”
A jury trial in a small Southern town. The prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned but had to continue. He pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney started nervously shuffling papers on his table.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’m sending you both to the electric chair.”
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
“You are going to get it when we get home!”
My mother taught me LOGIC…
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My Mother taught me MORE LOGIC...
“If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me PHYSIOLOGY…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me how to MATURE...
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT…
“Make sure you wear clean underwear; in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me about STAMINA…
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL…
“If you don’t straighten up, I’ll knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me IRONY…
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me RELIGION…
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
“You’re just like your father.”
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE…
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside; I just finished cleaning.”
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
On the way home from his successful fund-raising meeting, a powerful US Senator, drives his car into a tree and dies. His soul arrives at the Pearly Gates, and is met by St. Peter.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, we have a special protocol for a person of your stature, to make sure that you are given appropriate accommodations.”
“No problem, says the Senator. “Just let me in and we’ll work it out.”
“Actually,” St. Pete says, “our process requires that you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Not necessary. No need to waste my time. I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator.
“I’m sorry, but those are our rules, and there can be no exception,” says St. Peter, who escorts the Senator to the elevator and hits the “Down” button. The Senator gets anxious as the elevator wooshes waaay dooown.
The elevator stops abruptly, the doors open, and the Senator steps out into the middle of a lush resort. The sun is shining, there’s a beautiful beach, tennis courts, golf courses, yoga studios. At the main lounge, he finds all of his old friend and colleagues who greet him enthusiastically ─ everyone as healthy and charming as the day he met them. Also present is the devil, who turns out to be a very friendly guy, and who welcomes the Senator warmly. The Senator passes the day with the lot of them, frolicking in the sun and surf, and in the evening he joins his companions in a gourmet dinner, followed by drinks and dancing.
Before he realizes it, the day has passed, and he finds himself in the elevator, going up, up, up. When it stops, the door opens, and St. Peter greets him, saying: “Now it’s time to visit heaven.” So the Senator passes the next 24 hours with a small group of contented souls, going from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing church hymns. He has a good enough time, and before he realizes it, another day has gone by, and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, Senator you’ve now spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Choose your eternity.”
The Senator thinks for a minute, then answers: “Well, I never thought I would say this, but, although heaven has been delightful, I think I would rather be in hell.”
So, St. Peter puts him in the elevator and he goes back down to hell.
Now, when the elevator opens, the Senator is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage, reeking of the foulest odors. He sees all his friends, covered in shredded rags, scrounging in the muck for offal. The devil himself comes over to him, puts his arm around his shoulders, and says: “Welcome to eternity.”
“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a beautiful beach, and beautiful people, and great food, and fun and dancing. Now there’s just a horrid wasteland full of miserable, tortured souls. What happened?”
The devil smiles at him and says: “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted.”
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
How to wash the cat.
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 oz. of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. You may need to stand on the top lid.
4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash and rinse’.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand to the side of the toilet as far away as you can and quickly lift the lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside, where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely yours,
The Dog
An old geezer became bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get a $1,000 refund.”
Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000 so he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Aaagh !! ─ This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I am losing my memory. I can barely remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor Young: “Oh no you don’t ─ that’s Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young, now down $1000, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak ─ I can hardly see!
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any cure for that, so here’s your $1000.”
Dr. Young: “You sneak, you just gave me five singles.”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500, plus the $5 I just gave you.”
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?” And God again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? How about my twenty, plus the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? That makes eighty, right?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Leonard Bernstein and the New York Philharmonic were soon to perform Mahler’s Second Symphony, which requires additional instruments compared to the usual orchestra score.
A week before the first rehearsal the conductor mentioned to his players that they still needed one more trumpet.
One of the horn players said he had a good friend who lived in town and performed regularly in jazz venues.
Bernstein quickly replied, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’ve learned my lesson with jazz musicians. They don’t seem to like schedules, and they love to add their own little flourishes to everything they play. Let’s keep searching our traditional sources.”
A few days went by and still no luck, and Bernstein approached the horn player and said, “Let’s give your friend a try. We have to make this happen.”
The trumpet player came promptly to the first rehearsal and performed exactly as required. The same with the second rehearsal. Afterwards, Mr. Bernstein approached the man and said, “You know, you’ve changed my outlook on jazz musicians. I had developed a rather bad attitude about their habits, but you’ve been here on time and played precisely as needed. I want to thank you.”
The trumpet player replied, “Well, that’s nice, Mr. Bernstein, that means a lot. And I’m glad you told me today because I can’t make it to the gig tomorrow.”
After the Spanish class instructor explained that Spanish nouns, similar to French nouns, are expressed as male or female, a student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (‘el computador’), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “Welcome, Forest. We’ve heard a lot about you.” He continued, “Unfortunately, it’s getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.”
“Okay,” said Forest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve just been through a big test, because my momma used to say, ‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.’ “
“Yes, Forest, I know. This test is only three questions. Here they are.”
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?”
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God’s first name?
“Well, sir,” said Forest, “The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Today and Tomorrow.”
St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.”
“The next question,” said Forest, “How many seconds are in a year? Twelve.”
“Twelve?” said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
“Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …”
St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean. I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.”
“And the last question,” said Forest, “… God’s first name is Andy.”
“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you come up with ‘Andy’?”
“I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.” Forest broke into song, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, “Run, Forest, Run!”
A 69-year-old man went to the doctor for a checkup and toward the end the doctor remarked, “You’re in wonderful shape for a man of 59; to what do you attribute your good health?”
The old timer said, “Who says I’m 59, doc? I’m a golfer, 69 years old, and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.”
The doctor said, “Well, I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?”
The old timer said, “Who said my father’s dead?”
The doctor said, “You mean you’re 69 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?” The old timer said, “He’s 87 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That’s why he’s still alive, he’s a golfer.”
The doctor said, “Well, that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?” The old timer said, “Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
The doctor said, “You mean you’re 69 years old and your grandfather’s still living! How old is he?” The old timer said, “He’s 105 years old.”
Now the doctor was getting a bit sceptical. He said, “I suppose he went golfing with you this morning too?”
The old timer said, “No, Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he just got married.”
The doctor said in amazement, “Got married! Why would a 105-year-old guy want to get married?”
The old timer shot back, “Who said he wanted to?”
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
The judge said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”
Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the judge was interested in Clyde’s story and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie”.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deere Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes to put her out of her misery. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”
“Now, what the heck would YOU say?”
The rest of the cartoons are oldies but goodies from the Saturday Evening Post.
The king wanted to go fishing. He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So, the king went fishing with the queen.
On the way, he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.
The king replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”
So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later, a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked, and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to banish the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”
So, the king hired the donkey, and thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in government and occupy its top positions ─ a custom unbroken to this day.
Twisted Zen advice
“Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.”
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.”
“It’s always darkest before dawn. So, if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
“Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will hang out on the boat all day ignoring calls from his wife.”
“If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.”
“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
They were awakened in the middle of the night, the fire dwindling nearby, and Holmes said: “Watson, look up and tell me what you see”.
Watson said “I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars”.
Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”
Watson: “Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life ─ and possibly intelligent life ─ may well fill the universe.
Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why? What does it tell you, my dear friend?”
Holmes: “Someone stole our tent”.
A police officer pulls a woman over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. It was suspended when I got my third DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: It’s stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glovebox when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glovebox?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Ma’am, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glovebox so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. (Sure enough, no gun).
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there’s a dead body in it.
Driver: No problem. (The trunk is opened ─ no body).
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a body in the trunk?
Driver: Yeah, and he probably told you I was speeding too!
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
“Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang!” he beamed with pride.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered, “In 1959. Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely for a moment, then asked, “What did you teach?”
BUSY DAY
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I laid my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full, so I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go there, where I find a can of Pepsi I’d been drinking. I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so I don’t accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye ─ they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote which someone left on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor so, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do…
…later, at the end of the day: The car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter, the flowers don’t have enough water, there is still only one check in my check book, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled, because I know I was busy, and I’m really tired!
Three construction workers – an Aussie, an Irishman and an American – are about to have lunch while sitting on the 40th floor of a construction site.
The Aussie opens his lunch box and sees a Vegemite sandwich. He groans and says, “You know what, if my wife makes me another Vegemite sandwich I’m going to jump off this damn building.”
The American then opens his lunch box to find a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He says to the other two guys, “You know what, if my wife makes me another peanut and jelly sandwich I’m jumping off too.”
The Irishman then opens his lunch box and sees a ham sandwich. He in turn says to the other two, “If I get another corned beef sandwich I’m jumping as well.”
The next day at lunch the Aussie opens his lunch box to discover another Vegemite sandwich so, true to his word, he jumps.
The American opens his lunch box too and sees another peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so he also jumps off.
The Irishman then opens his lunch box and finds another corned beef sandwich. So he also jumps too.
The funeral is a week later and all their wives are gathered together in a circle crying, having heard about the pact the men made, from a co-worker.
The wife of the Aussie says, “Why, oh why, did I only make him Vegemite sandwiches? I could have changed it at least once and he’d still be here.”
The American wife says, “I should have made a different sandwich and not forced him to have the same one every day.”
The wife of the Irishman stands back in confusion, looks at the other two women and says, “I don’t understand it – he always made his own lunch.”
Please note: Arnie is one-quarter Irish!
A wise old farmer went to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, “This isn’t the price I saw!”
The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that’s what caused the price increase. The farmer needed the truck soon, so he paid the price and drove home.
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, “My son just joined 4-H for the summer and he needs a cow. Do you have any for sale?”
The farmer said, “Yes, I have a few I could sell for $500. Come look at them and take your pick.”
The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a half hour in the field checking out the four cows, the boy decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.
The farmer said “Now, wait a minute, that’s not the final price of the cow. You’re getting extras you have to pay for too.”
“What extras?” asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:
Basic Cow – $500.00
Two tone exterior – $45.00
Extra stomach – $65.00
4x4 traction drive – $125.00
Straw compartment – $90.00
4 Spigots @ – $20 ea – $80.00
Leather upholstery – $60.00
Dual horns – $45.00
Automatic fly swatter – $38.00
Fertilizer attachment – $185.00
Grand Total – $1,233.00
And, in honor of the recent passing of Chuck Norris, a few of the famous “he’s so tough” one-liners. I’ve only seen a few of his shows (I’m a BritBox guy) but he hates villains, and so do I.
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Chuck Norris can hear silent films.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris can cut scissors with paper.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
Chuck Norris can order a Big Mac at Burger King …and actually get a Big Mac.
Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
When genies want their wishes fulfilled, they ask Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with nothing more than a marble.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
When the Boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move.
Some magicians can walk on water; Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokémon cards
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Chuck Norris once sold eBay to eBay on eBay.
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
The government actually pays Chuck Norris taxes.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero, and he’s already counted to infinity... twice!
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Chuck Norris can pass a vision test with his eyes closed.
Chuck Norris doesn’t turn on the shower; he stares at it until it starts to cry.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
When the Hulk gets really angry, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Well, that’s it, folks! Thanks for stopping by!
Feel free to write to me at
My skepticism was getting in the way of interacting with NPCs so I talked to my doctor about it. He said he could remove it but it would be considered Elective Surgery.
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Buh Dump Bump!
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So many thanks for these truly wonderful jokes !!! 👍👍👍